Meeting yourself

One of my friends was kind enough to take time out from her crazy schedule and read my blog post When death comes.... After she read my post, we spoke over chat where she told me that she relates with my post. A mother of a one year old boy, my friend said that ever since motherhood began, she sleeps for just 2-3 hours every night. Being a working woman, her son wants mommie to be by his side once she returns home. Not to mention the suckling and cuddling throughout the night that makes him feel secure.

After talking to her, I was happy that someone understood what it is to live a life for yourself. She said she often wonders what is her purpose on this planet.  She said she doesn’t even remember the time when she was single, after marriage and now the motherhood. I somewhat understand what she means, because even after I got married, I hardly found time and space for myself.  But about my purpose on this planet, I always feel that I must be probably serving some purpose that I can’t see ;-)! Or that whatever I am doing must be doing something good to someone on this planet. Height of self-optimism…I know.

One of my old friends who read my post asked me to chill and write more often. It was clearly evident through her comment on my post that she is quite happy with life, as compared to my friend about whom I spoke in the beginning of this post. Now this old friend, I know, has been facing turbulent times for the past 7-8 years. Love, betrayal, in-laws trouble, family crisis; you name it and she has sailed through these rough adventures. Probably this is the reason why she feels that her parents, husband, office, siblings, her dreams, and her books are some of the best things she has in life. Because she had almost lost everything at a point in life but has now found everything back. She actually told me that even if she died she would be happy. Probably she has learnt to let go quite early in life. Probably she is not worried about how her kid will live without her. Probably if it has to happen, God has already marked out a way for her.

My conversation with these two women made me realize that I am an individualist by nature. I always yearn for something that would satiate my inner self.

Because your job, relationships, and possessions, are temporary; here today, but gone tomorrow. 

You sedate your inner yearnings heavily to meet those annoying deadlines at work. You sacrifice your precious weekends to meet your parents and relatives to make them happy. You traumatize yourself while drooling over those beautiful wares you see on display. 

You meet your deadlines but lose out on your time with your loved ones. You meet your parents and relatives but feel mentally tired. You shop your heart out but after looking at the bill you are worried about how to manage the next month’s budget. Then you manage to find part-time work and make your loved ones wait a little longer.

Each one of us is caught in this vicious circle. We somehow learn to make tasks a part of our life. The “I” is always kept on hold. There is work, husband, parents, kids, to be taken care of. And we learn to feel content when our company meets its target, when our husband does well at work, and when our parents are happy to receive our attention. We feel happy to see our kids successful. But one day, we are replaced by a better person at work. Relatives start taking us for granted. Big deal, they feel, because we are always there for them. Partners treat us a convenience rather than a live entity. Kids grow up and start telling us that we are invading their personal space.

So, my question is, do we really, in the true sense, “have” our parents, husband, kids, and office? Don’t they actually keep us for their convenience? Don’t we constantly change to suit their preferences? Work changes places. Parents get old and leave. Relatives stop communicating. Partners become strangers. Kids drift farther.

 Only “you” remain with yourself. 

And then, when you face yourself, you realize that the “you” in you has been spent on others. You sit and think about the things you failed to do. You wish you had not stopped taking that course. At least you could have some knowledge that would be yours. You also wish you had spent time with yourself. At least it would make you feel good about yourself. You actually regret not having taken your own responsibility.

When you realize that you should have taken your responsibility, your work, relatives, kids, etc. are too busy to attend you. Time stops for you. There is nothing that can fill the inner hollow. It is only how your treat yourself remains with you. Even when you return to dust, only your soul will accompany you there.

So, it is good to relate to the external things around you. But it is important to satiate your inner soul and to meet yourself once in a day, or at least, once before you return to dust….   

When death comes....

JK Rowling says, “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.”

Since childhood, my routine has always been more or less planned, since both my parents used to work. Getting up at the same time everyday and sparing a fixed number of minutes for brushing, pooping, bathing, and having breakfast; these were things that I grew up seeing and doing. When I started working, which was almost six years ago, my mornings were full of such tight deadlines. Even a five-minute delay in waking up would make my mornings a running spree from my home till the railway station. Mumbai railways made me realize the importance of odd timings such as 7:38 am and 5:01 pm, as I would commute in trains that would come to the station at these weird timings.

Back at work, I realized the importance of every minute when I ran to swipe my ID card just before the clock struck 9 in the mornings. Even a minute’s delay would mean we were late for our shift, and it would reflect in our appraisals. At work, taking a couple of minutes more than what was allotted for sending an email would automatically delay the next deadline. I learnt to manage every second of my life while working with my first long term employer. In fact, at a point, I was managed by the clock. I used to feel guilty for sleeping for those extra 10 minutes or spending 5 minutes extra while getting ready or having breakfast.

With my current employer, life was governed by early morning alarms and marathon runs to the auto stand for a seat till the station. Again, if I reached just before my train arrived, I would get no place to sit in the train. So ideally, I would reach the station much before time. For the past 8 years, I have lived most of my life outside my home, travelling for at least 4 hours daily on an average.

So, I have a planned life, yes. At work, all my tasks for the day are documented in my diary and Inbox. Colored pens regularly highlight the tasks as and when they are done. Pending tasks are flagged or shifted to the next day. On the home front, I plan buying groceries on Sundays. My maid is carefully instructed on what to cook and clean without wasting either of our time. She gets veggies for me the day I cannot buy them. Laundry, mopping, sweeping, and everything else happens as per plans that I make.  

I am proud of the life that I lead. It is disciplined and well-spaced out. But today when I read the quote above, I was wondering if my daily schedule has a slot for death. In that case, how many of us account for this one incident? One of my friends always says, “I have no regrets if I die tomorrow. I have seen it all and done with everything.” I wish I could say the same about myself.

Apart from the planned activities, there is noting that I do in life. I have forgotten when was the last time I did something that I like. Sometimes, I can’t remember what I like. The "work-office-work" syndrome has effaced other things from my life. At some point in life, I would spend weekends reading and adorning my dupattas with beads and sequins. I would read many anthologies and copy interesting stuff for personal record. I would maintain a dairy. I would listen to music.

After getting into a relationship and consequently getting married, all my spare time is spent in cooking, cleaning, and buying monthly groceries. The rest of the time is spent with my spouse, where we discuss the things that we like to do and the dreams that are yet unaccomplished. We make plans to achieve our unattained goals. At every new discussion and dream planning, new dreams pile on the older ones. We have this mountain of dreams in front of us. And we are sure that one day we will accomplish it all.

Ms. Rowling today made me wonder if I am ready for what she calls “next great adventure.” I then realized that my "well-organized mind" has never accommodated the period to my life. If I die now, I will have a zillion things pending. Further education, quilling, photography, learning dance, learning to ride a bike, starting my own business, buying a house, starting a family, having a pet, going on a holiday.....

...The list goes on and on. And freaks me out. What the hell have I done in the last 30 years? Just wake up to the alarm and auto-pilot myself? Hell Yeah. I am sure if I die now, I am going to a perfect subject for Ram Gopal Verma’s next horror movie. I will keep appearing in front of people whom I haven’t  met for long. I will keep scaring people at places where I wanted to go or at universities where I wanted to study. I will keep clinging to things that I loved, but never enjoyed. I will, in short, never be free from worldly pleasures.

Despite such an enlightening revelation, I don’t find myself panicking to make a new beginning. My mind tells me, “JK Rowling is rich and famous. She probably does not have to buy groceries or supervise the maid. So stop dreaming about what will happen to your unaccomplished tasks if you die now. If you have not added “death” to your list of tasks, then it is definitely not happening till you add it.”

Point noted Mr. Mind! :)